searching

I think about writing every other day. about the little somethings that sometimes slip away, and nothing at all. clearly i never get around to do that.

Some days just pass too fast and I want there to be more hours in a day- to complete the neverending to-do lists, to breathe, to relax and ponder. and there are somedays like today, when i keep checking the time and it seems to stand still. Weekends are blissful most of the times. Except the Friday evening classes and make-up classes on saturdays and work that comes up once in a while.

In the past few months, I have been searching for answers, trying to figure out things- both about myself and others around me. Often, i lose track of time. of conversations. of patterns. I just phase out. my brain cells seem to shut down by evening, and i begin to ponder. at other days, i just keep thinking about 150 things at the same time. keep questioning, keep searching, keep exploring.

Sometimes, I just stand still and feel this would the moment that I would know the answers. to all those jumbled up puzzles and questions. but, that does not happen.

I am still searching. still trying to figure out the answers. there is no gurantee on anything. but i seem to seek gurantees, and assurance. not just for a specific time period, but for as long as i may be alive. that does not happen for products, does it? how would it happen to other things?

writing again

I have been planning on writing on this blog for a whole now. But, procrastination, in my case, has not led to anything beneficial.

I have often considered being a regular blogger, write a post everyday, on anything random- on work, on the little somethings and nothing at all. One of the issues I faced, the very few times, I got around to start writing something was, do bloggers have a private space? Maybe yes, or maybe no.

A friend once, gave a very logical explaination- why write them on a blog, if you want them to be private? write a diary instead and keep it to yourself. But, maybe people do find peace or some form of consolation in writing about their trying days, about their challenges, about their never ending complaints or the like- maybe the idea of people, unknown and far away, reading and understanding, matters. Maybe, when the loved ones fail to understand, strangers do. I do not have the answers yet. But, I would like to give it try again.

My writings till date have been features, as the readers will note- mostly human rights, education and other issues,published in New Age, the National Newspaper, in Bangladesh. This blog started with the idea of posting my published work- stories that I had felt passionately about. Few years later, I moved to a consultancy firm, which I must admit was a tough call. I dreamt upto being a journalist- but that didn’t seem to be financially viable.

Like everyone else, I had to move on and like they say, sell my soul to the corporate world. Writing as a result, has taken a back seat. I do contribute occasionally, but there is nothing like staying up all night to meet weekly deadlines to file stories, or exploring around to unfold a story!

My friends, who have always said I am a wonderful writer and that I should never stop writing, also admitted that I only write well about thing I care about or feel passionately about.

To myself, writing has always been a space where I find myself. where I have found peace.

and that is a good enough reason to start over, wouldn’t you say? I have not done real time blogging, but here is a start.

the ride

The Dhaka streets never looked like this, she thought. Or maybe she never noticed, or maybe she never walked at this time, alone.

She passed by the large shopping complexes, the tea sellers and the empty rickshaws lined up beside the pavement. Right across the street stood a dilapidated trolley, deserted and shuttered for the night. The trolley must be for an Iftar seller.

More apartments. More complexes. It’s crazy how so many apartments and shopping complexes have grown on both sides of the road of Dhanmondi road 2.

She finally took a rickshaw and motioned the puller to go straight, not knowing where exactly she would be going at 9 at night. She stared at the seemingly endless road and endless empty rickshaws, tea-sellers, passer-by, strangers busy with their own activities and problems.

Dhaka, probably has no place for ghosts, no place for loners, she thought. They just did not fit in at all anymore. This is the busiest city ever. With more than 10 million people stacked in an area of less than 815.85 square kilo metres. People still survive. People still breathe. Villagers want to move to the city- for fortune and better future. And the city dwellers feel trapped and want to get away- but money does wonders doesn’t it?

Perhaps that was exactly why this place is so intriguing- always full of bustle and hustle.

The puller took a turn- the streetlights still illuminated the almost empty road.

Most of the buildings are tall- unimaginative and lifeless. She passed by older houses too, right at the intersection of road 4, comfortably dilapidated in the middle of their more posh and wealthy neighbours.

There are always the light and dark sides of everything. Like this city, everyone’s life too has evolved through the good and the bad- the light and the dark.

These endless roads, the emptiness and searing silence tell her something. And she continues to try to listen very hard..

The modern theories

In the past one week, I have come across two women in their early twenties- one divorced and the other a single mother. This year, two of my closest friends both of whom had a fairy tale wedding last summer, walked out of their marriage shaken and devastated by the fact that the person they married was not the same anymore. One of them came back from USA, having to leave her husband’s house, and drop out of University.

Almost in all cases, they said their partners were not the same after a while, they refused to compromise, understand and in most importantly, stay. And life changed forever.

All of these coupled with more serious cases, where two women were killed this month by their husbands because they wished to be with someone else, raise important questions and thoughts. All of this week I have rambled on these and here I am.

We are living in an age of rampant divorce and the accompanying uproar. The idea that two people can be happy together, maturing alongside each other, seems to be at the far end of the milepost, as unrealistic as a fairytale could be. So, we have relationships day in and day out, and a good number of relationships are ending, because it isn’t bad after all. The end of each of these relationships is in fact, is the evidence and clear indication that the relationship was never any good to begin with.

Add to that, it’s also a source of gossip for many and a chance for the guru’s to reiterate their ‘I told you so’ and ‘you got it all wrong’ lines. But, we continue on, never the less. All of these bitter ends to relationships that we hear about, all of the perfect couples falling apart do not seem to change anything at all.

Maybe in our generation, we, at least most of us, have failed to learn that nothing can compare to a life long relationship – where the magic does not only last for the first few years, where the partners embrace each others differences, respect each other and work to keep it intact. Or maybe we’re simply too immature to commit. Maybe, we no longer believe in permanence.

The truth about today’s relationship is that there is no permanence. Just the other day, I was reading a piece by a college student where she wrote, ‘almost all the guys I went out with, in some way I wanted one thing from them- perhaps permanence, the assurance they would stay, at least, for a long while.’ Do these lines ring a bell? This has been a rap against men for ages, but no worries, women are now effectively following suit.

It’s not our fault, now is it? You say. True. We have the world and of course, the world of sex, lust, fling, excitement and adventures right at our fingertips- so its justified. It’s a tough choice after all- to settle, to compromise and more importantly to stay.

At the same time, as I write about how relationships lack permanence, I agree its hard finding your match and that you do not really know a person until you are with them. And therefore, you must go out with many before you make a choice. But the question, do you try enough, to make it stay?

So, I do occasionally wonder. Especially this week, I have wondered several times- if we can’t get past ourselves and learn to embrace other’s differences, compromise and learn to value the magic of love, then what is in store? A generation of selfish beings who have their own ways, their own agendas, egos and self esteem. Are we really representing a whole age of loneliness, commercial wants, modern theories of love and mate selection on the basis of shallow criteria?

I do belong do this generation and by all means, I am a staunch proponent of my generation- of being able to make your own choice, of living life your own way, but at the same time, I believe, despite all those who love to dally in the world of casual sex and random relationships, everyone wants love and warmth- the kind that would stay. The kind that will last for a longer time. Food for thought ladies and gentlemen.

Fast Car- Tracy Chapman

You got a fast car
I want a ticket to anywhere
Maybe we make a deal
Maybe together we can get somewhere

Anyplace is better
Starting from zero got nothing to lose
Maybe we’ll make something
But me myself I got nothing to prove

You got a fast car
And I got a plan to get us out of here
I been working at the convenience store
Managed to save just a little bit of money
We won’t have to drive too far
Just ‘cross the border and into the city
You and I can both get jobs
And finally see what it means to be living

You see my old man’s got a problem
He live with the bottle that’s the way it is
He says his body’s too old for working
I say his body’s too young to look like his
My mama went off and left him
She wanted more from life than he could give
I said somebody’s got to take care of him
So I quit school and that’s what I did

You got a fast car
But is it fast enough so we can fly away
We gotta make a decision
We leave tonight or live and die this way

I remember we were driving driving in your car
The speed so fast I felt like I was drunk
City lights lay out before us
And your arm felt nice wrapped ’round my shoulder
And I had a feeling that I belonged
And I had a feeling I could be someone, be someone, be someone

You got a fast car
And we go cruising to entertain ourselves
You still ain’t got a job
And I work in a market as a checkout girl
I know things will get better
You’ll find work and I’ll get promoted
We’ll move out of the shelter
Buy a big house and live in the suburbs
You got a fast car
And I got a job that pays all our bills
You stay out drinking late at the bar
See more of your friends than you do of your kids
I’d always hoped for better
Thought maybe together you and me would find it
I got no plans I ain’t going nowhere
So take your fast car and keep on driving

You got a fast car
But is it fast enough so you can fly away
You gotta make a decision
You leave tonight or live and die this way

I realised I only write here, when I am upset or angry or unhappy about something. That’s no fair at all

It’s a weekend!! the craziness is over- the horrid pile of work, exams and of course the unbelievable emotional stress (I am not sure, if it’s over, but for this moment I hope it is).

It’s early in the morning and everyone is sleeping. I can hear my beloved sisters snor away louder than ever :S. I am all set to go to the older part of this city and hoping to come back with some story. More importantly, my companion for this trip is amazing- he takes great photographs, understands and is the best listener in the world.

I do not think I have ever come across someone, who listens and makes you feel safe, about the worst nightmares ever. I keep trying tag along with him, for selfish reasons. Because with him, in the strangest ways- I find happiness. and happiness is where home is. Now, it’s an imaginary world for me, but it’s still a world- a home of my own- our home.

shall be back with more 🙂

When we met

‘Okay. What would you say, if I ask you out right now, at this moment?’ said the sms at 3.45 am in the morning.

I had laughed my heart out. At the same time, I was taken aback. I admit, my heart had skipped a beat. just one beat though. not more. not less. 

‘You are crazy,’ I typed. ‘I would say you are completely crazy. and you don’t even know me and all that! what would you say in response of that?’

In a minute, my cell phone beeped. one new message. I giggled like a thirteen-year-old and jumped up from my bed and saw the message that said- ‘true. If you had only known that ever since the day I met you- six months ago, I had not been able to take my mind off you. If you had only known, how crazy I am about you!’

I hated to admit it but i blushed and typed, ‘You are crazy!’

He said, ‘ yes. about you.’

I had pushed away almost every other guy who had approached me till now. At various times, I had disappointed my friends, who desperately tried to “hook” me up. at other times, I just walked past great individuals and never stopped by to get to know them, to discover people. and in the process myself.

I was stressed out- for the longest time. I had tons of responsibilties, where there was no space for those little things that I had dreamt of. There was no space for the young girl in me- to be carefree. careless. and be myself.

I was just pretending. to be the strongest girl. to be allright till the very end. but inside, I was dying for respite. from everything around me.

And at  3.45 in the morning, I had finally wanted to let myself be- free and careless. after years- i wanted to be crazy. carefree. and absolutely stupid. and I was.

So, we played the silly sms game and finally he gathered the courage to call. and we talked. all morning. all day. and the next seven nights. none of us slept. none of bothered about anything. and my spoke our heart out. we shared the little things about life. and the big ones. and the ones that did not matter at all.

We had met first, at the launching ceremony of this new forum for young writers. I had thought him to be “ancient”, “pompous” and not nice at all- being the judgemental person I tend to be.

He, on the otherhand, had sat back and looked at me for the longest time and finally had bothered to tell my friend, who was sitting right beside me, about his music and that he would be performing in two weeks. He had invited us. or rather me. I had not even considered going to his show.

He had gone back home that night and “stalked” me on facebook. He had also left a line in his blog- ‘ if this young lady had known that her one smile kills the mere mortals of me, perhaps she would never smile again. Yes,I am interested in someone, after the longest time, but I am too much of a wuss to take a step..’

and he had left it right there. and I had moved on. there was no possibility of us meeting again. But, we did.

I went to his show. accidentally or maybe because, it was all planned. fate it was, maybe.

But we never had a conversation. He was right- he was too much a wuss to make a move. I, on the other hand, was to stupid to figure out and also too occupied in pushing everyone coming my way. There is no way, I could even consider knowing. oh, well.

six months passed. my life changed. so did his. i would say, his changed for good. he gathered the courage to speak to me online. and I was too bored and so, we had what was due for the longest time- a conversation. and then the whole process of knowing each and discovering the little things that sometimes slip away.

and finally, he made another “great” move! yes, he called me. and the rest is history. we met- and there was no end to conversations. to the little get-aways. to the quick lunches. to the musical evenings. to the moments that stood still and seemed so perfect. to those beautiful magical moments. to those moments when it seemed just right. to those moments when it was perfect. and meant to be.

and so we met. and it started. it seemed perfect- the way our hands fit perfectly into each others. the way we lived each moment, as though there was no tomorrow. the way he sweeped me off the floor. he knew magic. and everything he touched, shimmered with love and beauty…

and so we met- as though we would never part. as though there would be no end to the love we had.. and time passed.

but did that love really end?