h1

reckless race

April 2, 2008

Back to the same race- the reckless race against myself. Everyday seems to pass by- with the same materialistic needs, actions and results. Everything seems so mechanical- every passing day is only more scheduled, set out and only more and more robotic. Emotions don’t seem to work here. Everything is set according to the fundamental principals of our lives- think for yourself only and earn money as though there is no tomorrow! There is nothing beyond that. Nothing beyond that wall which divides our inner desires and the rules and our inherent actions.

I admit. I too, am a part of this very plastic and mechanical world. A part of this never ending system. I am surrounded with people whose fundamentals of life are far more different than me. But I love them, nevertheless. Only to find out, that I struggle to be like them- so that I can catch up, so that I do not feel jarred and empty inside because of their actions.

So I wear masks through the days that pass by. I wear so many expressions- most of which are not even mine. I say so many things- most of the words that are not even mine. I do so many things- things that I never wished to do. Yet, I do so. Everyone does. That’s the rule of life, isn’t it?

I find it hard to smile through my random thoughts. And I smile through my hidden tears. I smile through my fake expressions. So much so, that sometimes my jaws hurt. I rush through the days- multitask and move on- and sometimes, someone inside me asks me if this is what I want? And I ask myself, only to find there is no answer. Only to find that the questions seem to echo back and leave me lost.

  

Yet, I reach out to the tiniest little things that give me joy. I still dream of that world of my own. I still dream of a home, that I miss every second, only more, as each day pass by. Everyday, I tell myself, to let go- of the dreams, of the little wishes, the need to be pampered, the need to be understood, the need for that perfect world I had always dreamt of. Through incidents and experiences- some big and some small- I realise that I ought to change for my own good. Yet I do not. Maybe, with time I will. Maybe with time, I will change- be the person who will fit with ease in this setting. Or maybe, I won’t ever change and find the scars deepen only more. To find my jaws rust out of the fake laughter and smiles. To find, the emptiness to engulf my soul only more…

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