Remonstration and more..

January 30, 2008

I have been tremendously upset lately. I have let myself break down. I have been chewing on my sorrows lately. I have been pondering excessively and complaining- so much so that it has exhausted all my energy.

I have let myself break down. In the past week, I have stayed up almost every night- often lying on bed and looking at the ceiling blankly and at other times, pacing across the hall room. I have sat under the cold shower and cried like a little girl, for endless hours. I have lost my appetite, interest and more importantly, I have lost my sanity. I have lost my ability to be strong and make sense of everything around me.

Last night, I finally let myself scream and utter absolute truths to myself. I have finally let myself face realities that hurt the most. Not that, I have not faced truths before. Not that, it has never been worse. But somehow, this week, everything piled up. Took a toll. And made me miserable.

The truth is, I am tired. Tired of being strong -of being grown up and living this life. People call me a fighter. But I don’t want to be one. They say, I am stronger and I will live through it all. But I don’t want to be one. They say I am mature and grown up and I can make my way. I do not want to. Not anymore.

Lately, I have come across absolute truths about life. I have learnt a lot, but I don’t know if I can carry them till the end of this journey.

I have learnt that it’s always all about “you” and not others. I have learnt nothing is forever. And that, nothing is perfect. True. and pure. Nor is love. I have learnt promises are meant to be broken. I have learnt, that faith can die and so can a part of you. Just as a part of me has died.    

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