Dear Friend,
I have lived you for over a decade. In silence, I breath with you. When there was darkness, when there was not a single soul around, I have seen you sit in silence, right by my side. Sometimes, we would cry together. Sometimes, we would just feel the depth of each loss, each memory, each darkness.
You have never failed me. You have never left me. Days after days, months after months. Years after years. Sometimes, you would hide under my bed, or, in the attic of my mind, and give me my space. But, you were always the jealous one. You always wanted me to remember you. You always wanted me to know that you were there, in the background of all the music, and all the songs that I danced to. Each time, you felt I was escaping you, each time, you felt I was flying too high, each time the bells on my feet rang louder, you felt like I was betraying you.
You would run back to me, like an angry lover, a jealous lover, and hold me and stand beside me. And, there we were again. You and me. Inseparable souls. Swimming in this sea of darkness, years after years.
I would watch you. I still do. Especially, when the world is asleep. I look at you, your darkness, your intensity, your richness, your reverence, your depth, with wonder. Your depth is more than anything I have ever seen or felt in my life. Every bit of you is so powerful, and you leave a lasting impact. The kind that an old lover can leave. The kind that you feel only through extraordinary love, through extraordinary levels of vulnerability.
Your memory lingers on in my mind. You seem to have left a mark in my mind. Many times, I have battled to come out of you. Never unscathed. No, never that. That is the beauty of being with you. That is the beauty of having you within me. You never leave without a mark. You leave behind so much for me, that I refuse to believe that you will ever leave. And, you never fail me. You always come back to me, like a passionate and faithful lover.
Your mood changes a lot. Sometimes, you play, sometimes you tease me for days, with blasts from the past, with rough, unclear memories here and there. Sometimes, you are just a distant memory and most times, you are me, and a part that I carry with me. You sometimes, take over me, and that’s when we fight. I fight you every day. And you refuse to give up against me. We are both so stubborn. I won’t give up either. No matter how much you try, no matter how much you stand strong, I continue to fight you. I fight you, I run against you. Days after days. Months after months. Years after years.
You are committed. You are faithful. Everyone deals with you in their own way. Everyone finds their own survival mechanism, some kind of mechanism to cope, to survive, with you. They say, you are deep. You are rare. You are the hardest thing ever. And you are a process. We all must go through you. And one day, they say, surely you will end yourself. One day, they say, you will leave each of us, you will leave me. But, no one knows when you will leave.
Some live with you in words, some scream at you out loud, some, through tears, some through anger, frustration and some through utter silence. They tell me, you are not a state, you are a process, and you must end. Someone told me, you are the kind, who just leaves one fine morning. Without any notice. Any messages. Or any notes. You might take days before you leave. Even months, years, and even decades. And then, one day, you will be gone. But, who leaves like that? No goodbyes, no closure, no last words? How can you choose to stay however long you want, and then chose to leave whenever you want? Is that even fair?
I refuse to believe you will leave. I don’t think, you ever end. Never. But, maybe, you just change. You change your shape and sometimes, your form. There is just no exit for you.
I breath you every day, my friend. There has not been a day, I have not felt a pang of you. You remind me of my losses, that I can’t recoup. You remind me of the darkest memories, that refuse to part me. You remind me of the truths, you remind me of my heartaches. You bring me the beginning of another you, where there is no ending of you. You bring me you, and you hurt my soul all you want. Yet, you love me enough never to leave.
And, I like, a helpless lover, like a mad woman, like a crazy friend, continue to love you and fight you each day. I love you for all the depth you make me experience. I fight you against your power to drown me in the depths of your darkness. And I fight you. Each day. Each moment, in the hope, that you will come around, and be just a little less difficult, for a moment in time.
Yours truly
Me
