forever is too long

This morning, I was having a cup of coffee with a new friend. We have been working on something substantial over the past week or more. and conversations with him has been strictly about work- ideas, information and planning.

Today after a few hours of work, another friend mentioned something about relationships, i could tell his expression had changed immediately. As small as this world is becoming, it is not surprising that I already know that he has had a break-up very recently, that too with someone he dated for almost a decade. After a brief silence, the conversation lead to his story, and he tells me, he has become devoid of emotions lately. he just has not been able to feel it anymore. You can tell, the guy has gone through a lot, and is probably still struggling to get over the heartache. I asked what went wrong and he could not put it in the right words. and said quite the same thing, i have heard from several people- you are better off being your self, happier doing things for yourself and building your own life.

He is right in some sense, and perhaps wrong too. He is right when he says you are better off- afterall you are not giving someone that power to hurt you beyond repair. He is wrong in some sense too, and he does admit immediately- there remains that empty feeling, that hollow feeling.

Relationships are strange. maybe most people are right when they say modern relationships are increasingly becoming more and more complex and weak in terms of sustainance. increasingly relationships are taking the form of an experiment rather than an idea of being together forever, through thick and thin.

New Yorker, once published an essay written by a university student, where she mentioned, ‘ from all the boyfriends that i have had, there is one thing that i had expected- that they would stay. for a long time if not forever.’ You would expect that they stay, that they would love very much, if not unconditionally. that is only natural isn’t it?

Yes, it is way too complicated than that. and it will not be at all justified, if I try to pin down specific reasons or flaws. I am no expert. I am just rambling here afterall.

There is no specific reason afterall. Like my friend, most people just let it go. You try for years, to hold it together, to give, to change things and build it. and one fine morning or in one split second you realise, this cannot be changed. no matter how hard you try. no matter how much you want. It is better to let go sometimes. even though that, i personally feel, is the hardest of all. to let go and walk away.

but sometimes like that song says, love just ain’t enough. and sometimes you just cannot change people and change their ways. and you keep hurting each other in the process of trying to make things right. and before you know the very thing for which you were in this relationship is gone forever.

My friend perhaps, like many people, will never get over her. sometimes, you just don’t get over some people. sometimes, you just cannot erase some memories that are close to heart. but you gotta move on, no matter how hard it may be.

Forever, my friend, as sad as it may be, is too long to hold anyone by.

Going back to my friend, six months down the line of his break-up, i ask him a question that makes him silent for more than just a brief second. Are you over her? The answer is no. Things did get better, but that did not make him fall out of love at all.

True, getting over ain’t that easy. and harder is to stop loving someone dearly, when you know there is nothing left to hold on to. Maybe life is such that, there will always be someone who we will never get over- their smile, the smell, their warmth or just the look of those eyes.

searching

I think about writing every other day. about the little somethings that sometimes slip away, and nothing at all. clearly i never get around to do that.

Some days just pass too fast and I want there to be more hours in a day- to complete the neverending to-do lists, to breathe, to relax and ponder. and there are somedays like today, when i keep checking the time and it seems to stand still. Weekends are blissful most of the times. Except the Friday evening classes and make-up classes on saturdays and work that comes up once in a while.

In the past few months, I have been searching for answers, trying to figure out things- both about myself and others around me. Often, i lose track of time. of conversations. of patterns. I just phase out. my brain cells seem to shut down by evening, and i begin to ponder. at other days, i just keep thinking about 150 things at the same time. keep questioning, keep searching, keep exploring.

Sometimes, I just stand still and feel this would the moment that I would know the answers. to all those jumbled up puzzles and questions. but, that does not happen.

I am still searching. still trying to figure out the answers. there is no gurantee on anything. but i seem to seek gurantees, and assurance. not just for a specific time period, but for as long as i may be alive. that does not happen for products, does it? how would it happen to other things?

the ‘D’ tag

She was always very particular about things. Her own wedding, obviously was not an exception. she focused on each and every detail- the colour of the flowers, the candles, the sarees, the costumes of the dancers, the dance steps, the mehendi design- name it. It was a grand wedding. The kind every girl possibly dreams of- lights, candles, flowers, sparks. a fairytale wedding.

Two years later, she sits at a crowded restaurant joking about her friend who met the (fat) girl of his dreams at her wedding while the girl was dancing. The irony was that as we spoke of the (fat) dream girl, she was sitting at the other end of the restaurant with her friend. We keep our voices low and laugh about how the friend is still with this girl! ‘Yeah, how funny! My marriage fell apart just like that and look they are still together,’ she says laughing and looking away.

She does this a lot. Laughs it off as though it does not hurt anymore. as though she is immune to any kind of pain. i would not blame her if that was true though. she has had to swallow so much. its sometimes unbelievable. and at others, just scary.

This friend stayed in an abusive marriage for two years and did everything she could. But why? She is beautiful, educated, confident and eligible in every possible way. ‘It was a marriage. You just cannot walk away like that – there is the family and the society to answer.’

So, she did stay on in this marriage, with a man who married her as part of his obligations to his parents (yes, you can play with someone’s life just like that) and took her to the US and continued his relationship with his girlfriend, right before his wife’s eyes. and at the end, just kicked her out of his life, because he could not stand her voice, or her presence.

Did this man’s parents stand and say this was wrong?No, they didn’t. Why would they? They can blame it on her. Maybe she was not patient enough, or good enough, or perhaps too short, no? And our wonderful society followed their voice, and had a blast talking about her.

Her’s is not an isolated case sadly. There are so many more.  Just among a single group of friends, there are six divorcees i know. Tanu has been living through the worst nightmares ever. Five years on, she still sometimes struggles to fight back tears when she speaks of her abusive marriage and divorce. Ridita still swallows everything that the society has to say to her because she is a young, single mother. There is always someone or other, (even the closest people) who remind her she is “different” because it is her “fault” that she is divorced with a child at 26. Nadia is back in Dhaka and she is still dreading it- the society will not spare her at all.

Each of one of these women and countless others have a story to tell. There are those who speak of stories of abuse that they kept hiding for years, until it was enough. and there are these younger women, who are stepping out of marriages as they become nightmares. It takes a lot of courage. a lot of strength to start new. Even after these women pick up the pieces and try to move on, there are always people to pull them back.

The rate of divorces have certainly gone up- at least among the urban middle class families. Putting aside the fact that it is undesireable and indeed a painful experience to go through, it does indicate the fact that women/men are aware of their rights, and have the courage to walk out of marriages, instead of keeping silent forever in an unhappy marriage.

This group is clearly a minor group in the larger society that is still undergoing a transition. The growing numbers of divorce rates do indicate that the stigma associated with the word ’divorce’ is slowly starting to peel. Families are slowly being supportive, although the numbers are still very low.

Even if there is that family support, there is still the rest of the society that is up on their heels to talk. to analyize the situation. and start the blame game. and mind you, it is always and invariably the woman’s fault- She could have been patient, she was just a rude person, she was too fast, she had to many guy friends, she was just not goodlooking enugh, she needed to be able to know how to keep her man, she did not try enough, so big deal if the man was sleeping with someone? she could compromise for her family or her kids, how hard is it to stay?

Surprisingly, most people who do make these statements are women themselves. I do often wonder. When we do speak of women’s rights and liberation, and the inherent need for the men to realise that it is time for change, do we realise that there is a huge chunk of women who need to help these women too. If women are the once demeaning other women, where do you find the strength to carry on?

Look around you- at home, workplace, get togethers and any where, it is women who are often making other women’s lives miserable. This past week, one of my ’so-called’ friend comes up to me and whispers about this friend who went through a terrible divorce. ‘She could have compromised a little, couldn’t she? She is a woman afterall. it’s a marriage for the love of God! Is she nuts? who is going to marry her?’

And this is coming from a so-called educated young woman, who presumably believes in equality and works in an international agency. really. my friend, yes she could have compromised just a bit more. really she could have kept silent and be unhappy for the rest of her life. but would you do the same, had you been in her shoes?

Perhaps not. or maybe you too, would have remained silent like countless others and not do justice to your own life.

*names mentioned here have been changed.